Partners in Crime
by brunettelamb
Summary: The Cullens leave on a hunting trip, leaving Alice and Emmett behind for a whole weekend. Will the house survive?
1. Party Pooper

AN: Yes, I'm posting another story before finishing ISFC. I will go back to it. Eventually =)

Enjoy and review!

Please . . . Think about the children. *serious nod*

Summary: The Cullens leave on a hunting trip, leaving Alice and Emmett behind for a whole weekend. Will the house survive?

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Carlisle POV:

"So . . . " Esme eyes me as though doubting my sanity. "You, my vampire husband with nineteen degrees in medicine and doctoring, deem it safe to take our family on a weekend hunting trip while leaving our two most mentally unbalanced children, Alice and Emmett, behind? Alice because she won't be able to drag her entire closet to Yellowstone, and Emmett because we don't want him getting arrested by rangers for attacking reservation bears?"

I gave her a sheepish smile. "It does sound pretty crazy."

"Don't you remember the last time we did exactly that?" Esme hissed, all traces of her smile vanishing.

"How could I not?" I'd come home to an office splattered in ketchup and nail polish, my emergency surgery tools replaced with vibrators in different sizes, and the word "buttocks" inserted randomly throughout the report I had spent an entire week working on.

"We did cancel the credit cards and have Edward drive over Emmett's weight set," I reminded her. "That might save us from a repeat."

"Let's hope," Esme sighed. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her waist, brushing my lips against her forehead.

"But if we do return to a half-demolished house . . . " Esme looked up at me from beneath her lashes coyly, and I swallowed. "You're paying for new doors. And windows. And furniture, for that matter. That poor Persian rug . . . " she lamented quietly.

"Wasn't that the one they made pudding on?" I couldn't help asking.

She glared at me.

"Sorry."

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Alice POV:

"Emmett!" I squealed, flying down the staircase and smacking into my bear of a brother, who was just returning from another wrestling match with Bella. He just doesn't know when to throw in the towel and admit defeat. "Guess what?"

Edward groaned. "Carlisle and Esme are taking us on a hunting trip this weekend and leaving you and Alice behind, since Alice can't survive without her full wardrobe and they don't want to have to bail you out of jail for attacking protected bears . . . Again."

"Hey, that was once," Emmett protested as Bella, Nessie, and Jasper appeared behind them in the doorway.

"Jazzy!" I bounded into his arms. "Will you disassemble Edward for me? He's such a party pooper."

"I am not a party pooper," Edward pouted, before realizing what he'd said. Nessie was giggling hysterically. Bella laughed and touched his pouting lips before running her fingers through his hair.

"Whoa," Jasper said, kissing my cheek. "Emotion overload. Edward is more embarrassed than I have felt from him in decades, Bella is getting a little-ah, I don't want to say it out loud-lusty, Emmett is indignant and wants a rematch, Nessie will never look at her father the same way, and my beautiful wife is more excited than she is on Barney's delivery day."

"You guys are going on a hunting trip this weekend and me and Emmett will be home alone!" I beamed, then frowned. "But I won't be able to see you."

"Are you bipolar?" Jasper teased. "It's just two days, darlin'. I'll miss you too, though." I shivered upon hearing his old Texan accent.

Rosalie glided down the stairs, having heard the conversation. "Emmett?"

"Yes, Rose?" Emmett said like a docile puppy.

"If you lay a single muscular finger on my makeup, I'm burning the Batman and Catwoman costumes."

"Noo," Emmett moaned just as Esme and Carlisle entered the room. "Catwoman?" Esme asked with arched eyebrows.

"Nothing," Emmett and Rosalie instantly said in unison.

Carlisle inclined his head toward Edward, who winced as I giggled at his response. "I'd rather not explain."

"Well, children, as I expect Edward and Alice have told you, we will be leaving for a hunting trip this weekend to show Nessie Yellowstone National Park, hunting around that area. For their own personal sanity and criminal records, we are leaving Alice and Emmett behind."

I made a _humph _noise and turned up my nose. Emmett looked pained yet excited, eager for pranking but probably imagining a weekend without sex. Edward snickered, so I guessed I was right.

"Carlisle, the last time we did that-" Bella said warily.

"I'm sure they've learned their lessons," Carlisle said, sending Emmett and me a skeptical glance. "Everyone, go prepare for the trip. And it might be wise to lock up your possessions."

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Sorry . . . I know that was short! Just an introduction, the next chapter will be longer. Any suggestions?


	2. Emmetazoid and McTinkerbelle

**AN: Hey, going away for a week and won't be able to update, so I'll try to get another chapter up today. Hope you enjoy this one! Review! **

**Disclaimer (forgot to put one on first chapter): I *sniffle* I . . . I don't own Twilight! There, I said it. *bursts into tears***

**Alice POV: **

**Normally stories start with "It was a bright and sunny morning," but this being Forks, it was as damp and miserable as usual. I had dressed for the occasion in a shimmery burgundy tunic with a chocolate brown belt, leggings, and Ugg boots. Rainy day chic, yet comfortable and suitable for running around the house. And, you know, wrecking everything in sight. **

"**No pranks," Carlisle had warned sternly before taking Esme's hand and leaping from the kitchen window. **

"**I'll miss you, Alice," Jasper had said, kissing me softly before jumping after them. My heart had tingled in my chest. **

**Nessie had given us an adorable wave before sliding off the windowpane and landing in Jacob's arms outside. Bella and Edward had given us skeptical "goodbyes" before linking arms and jumping gracefully from the ledge. Rosalie and Emmett had engaged in more R-rated romance than I could deem proper at 5:30 a.m. before she left, pushing down the window. **

**The instant the glass landed on the pane, Emmett scooped me into his arms. I giggled and smacked his muscled shoulder. "Put me down, oaf. We have planning to do." **

"**Wait!" he put his finger to his lips and glanced around suspiciously like a detective. "Edward's still in mind-reading distance. If he hears us, we'll get caught," he added in a toddler-like voice.**

"**Emmett, your intellect astounds me," I said in a voice dripping with sarcasm. "Ready, set, block." I began mentally reciting my favorite article from the April issue of **_**Vogue**_**.**

**I heard Edward's faint groan. After waiting another minute to ensure that he was at least ten miles away before grabbing Emmett's arm and dragging him into my room. I grabbed a notebook and pen as he looked uncertainly at the elegantly dressed mannequins and piles of cashmere sweaters around him. **

"**We're doing everyone, right?" I checked.**

"**Yup. More fun that way," Emmett verified, running a finger through his curls. **

"**Let's plan everything out first," I insisted as he stood up and was at the door in an instant. **

"**Plan, smhan. I already know what to do for Edward." **

"**Tell me!"**

"**So you know how Bella got him a customized iPod Touch that responds to touch instead of body heat for his birthday?" **

"**Yeah," I said, watching a smirk stretch across his face. His response flashed through my head and I clapped my hands in excitement. **

"**I think it'd be pretty easy to get another non-customized one, don't you?"**

**I imagined Edward whacking his iPod against the wall when it wouldn't respond to his frigid body temperature. Bella running in, confused and hurt, Rosalie screaming that they had made her mess up her manicure. "Emmett Cullen, you are my hero."**

**Seven minutes later, we had a 32 gigabyte iPod Touch on the way, arriving conveniently on Sunday morning. It would be all too easy to download the same songs and synchronize his music and videos. **

"**Let's prank Rose next," I suggested.**

**Emmett's face fell. "Ah, about that . . . "**

**I did a gasp of mock-horror. "Emmett Cullen is **_**afraid?"**_

"**No," Emmett said quickly in protest. "It's just that . . . er . . . we just got those costumes, Alice. And damn does Rose look sexy in that black cape-"**

"**Emmett."**

"**Sorry."**

"**Come on, they're just costumes, Em. It is possible to express your love without sex, anyway."**

**Emmett made a sound like **_**psh**_**. "Fine. Then let's prank Jasper."**

_**Hmm . . . I did just show Jazz that cute black lace set in the Victoria's Secret catalogue . . . No need to take chances. **_**"I see what you mean."**

**We looked at each other. "Carlisle then," we said at the same time.**

"**Hey, I have an idea," Emmett piped as we sat in thoughtful silence. "We should have superhero nicknames!"**

**I eyed his biceps. "You could be Emmett the Emmetazoid. You know, like steroid." **

**Emmett rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and you're Alice McTinkerbelle, my abnormally short sidekick."**

"**How come I have to be the sidekick?" I pouted.**

**Emmett pondered a witty response before saying, "Because I said so."**

"**Fine." Stupid vampire with his persuasive dimples.**

"**And together we should be the Home Wreckers!" **

"**Em, that sounds more than a little wrong."**

"**Gah. Party pooper."**

**I giggled, thinking of Edward.**

"**What should we do for Carlisle? We've already gone through . . . Let's see," Emmett muttered. "We've already replaced his surgery tools with vibrators, messed up his report, and repainted his walls."**

"**Don't forget the lab coats splattered with paint balls," I reminded him.**

"**Oh yeah."**

"**And the fake lawsuit from Mrs. Salazar."**

"**Right."**

"**And changing the speed dials on his cell phone."**

"**Dang," Emmett sighed. "This is going to be tougher than I thought."**

"**Are the steroids leaking into your brain tissue and damaging your thought processes?" I teased. **

"**Is your height-argh, I can't think of a good comeback." **

"**OMG, I got it!" I squealed, hopping to my feet. "You know those male and female mannequins in Carlisle's office?"**

"**Yeah . . . "**

"**I'm not exactly sure what we're going to do with them, but whatever it is, it is guaranteed to freak Carlisle out." Colored wigs and a makeover, skimpy underwear . . . Or simply arranging their plastic limbs into awkward positions . . . **

**Emmett slapped me five. "I like the way you think, McTinkerbelle. Carlisle's office, ho!"**


	3. Renovation Part I

AN: Hope you enjoy! I'll actually be able to bring my laptop on vacation with me, so hopefully I'll get another chapter in this week.

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Alice POV:

"Emmett, are you done?"

"No," Emmett grunted. The mannequins were more realistic than we could have imagined. He was trying to get the pinky of the male mannequin into the female's . . . ah . . . You know what I mean.

"Look at this." Emmett shook his head as though in disgust or disappointment. "This guy's dick is only, like, half the size of mine." He reached for his belt, and I shielded my eyes.

"No, Emmett. I definitely don't want to see."

"Prude," Emmett muttered as he wrestled the mannequins' arms around each other. I'd already stripped them of their dull brown locks and given the guy a rainbow Mohawk, the girl a black and red highlighted shoulder-length wig. And for Carlisle's sake, we left them naked. Naked was a lot better than any of Emmett and Rosalie's costume sets.

"Done," Emmett said, standing. The mannequins were wrapped around each other in an unquestionable position.

"Emmett, I have to hand it to you-not even Eddie and Bella could have made it look that realistic. And we know how good they are with these things."

"Emmetazoid is the master. Don't forget that."

"Yeah, yeah." I couldn't help but smile at the mannequins and their plastic lovemaking. "Carlisle will freak! Who are we doing next?"

"Jasper."

"Rosalie." I said at the same time, answering my own question.

We glared.

"Come on, Em. We don't have to mess up her makeup! We always prank everyone."

"Yeah-how many times have we been home alone?"

"Once," I replied in a tiny voice.

"Yeah, always." A snort. I fumed.

"Why can't we prank Rose?"

"Why can't we prank Jasper?"

"It's different," we said at the same time.

"No it isn't!" we shouted in unison.

"Come on," we both sighed.

We glared at each other.

"Why can't we do Jasper?" Emmett demanded.

"Dammit Emmett, you of all people should understand! I want new underwear! Why can't we do Rosalie?"

Emmett was at a loss for words. "Catwoman?" he offered meekly.

I tried something I had been experimenting with-making decisions to see the outcomes, then changing my mind if the outcome wasn't good. I'm going to let Emmett prank Jazz. Instantly a vision flashed across the forefront of my thought. Jasper's room, that I had so caringly painted, decorated, and filled with pictures of the two of us, spray-painted hot pink with the words Barbie Rox my Sox written in purple marker, clothes replaced by spaghetti tops and skinny jeans that were very obviously from my room, his beloved new guitar plastered with unicorn stickers. My mouth fell open with a little pop.

"Emmett Cullen! I can't believe you were going to do that! Why would you put my clothes in Jazz's closet?" I concentrated and saw dress slacks and button-down shirts in my closet. "And you were going to put his clothes in mine! Oh my God, Emmett! Don't you have any respect for fashion? Cross-dressing is a major taboo!"

"What are you talking about?" Emmett said innocuously, fluttering his lashes.

"Ew. Don't do that. And I'm on to you, Mr. Emmetazoid. Oh, am I onto you. And if you spray-paint a single centimeter of Jazz's beautiful room, I will personally see to it that your subscription to Pornography Monthly is canceled. Oh, and I'll tell Esme about the closet."

I could have sworn that Emmett's bone white face paled. "What closet?" he managed.

"The closet hidden behind Rosalie's dresser that is stuffed with porn videos, pictures of 'positions' and magician and bunny outfits!" I hissed.

Emmett was quiet for a moment. My dramatic outbursts have that effect, it seems. "I see your point."

I raised an eyebrow.

"No pranking Jasper," he swore, holding up his right hand.

"Swear on this Marc Jacob scarf," I ordered, whipping one from Carlisle's desk chair.

Emmett groaned. "I swear not to prank Jasper," he said, putting his hand on the scarf.

I smirked and stood. "Good. Now let's think of something good for Esme." I shivered just a little; it might not have seemed apparent, but Esme was really the scariest of the Cullens when angered. At least Jasper's room would survive the weekend defiled.

"HA! I GOT YOU!" Emmett crowed, raising his hands in triumph. "I was crossing my fingers!"

"What?" I screamed. "How did I not see that?"

"I guess you just weren't paying attention," Emmett said smugly. In the next instant he was out of the room.

I sprinted after him. "You get the hell back here, Emmett Cullen!" "Run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man!" Emmett sang.

I reached out to grab his arm-he was going to crash right through the wall of Carlisle and Esme's bedroom. But before I could yank him back, he threw me across the room and streaked away.

"Ugh," I groaned. "I hate spur-of-the-moment decisions."

I heard a familiar gleeful chuckle and catapulted myself off the bed. Emmett was in Jasper's room with an aerosol can in his hand, laughing manically as he pointed it up at the ceiling.

"Noo!" I tackled him and watched in horror as the aerosol can went flying out of Emmett's hands and flew past mine. It hit the opposite wall.

A shower of pink came out, coating the wall, the furniture, and my Uggs.

My mouth dropped as I silent-screamed for a whole minute.

Emmett watched me nervously.

I finally snapped my mouth shut. "Emmett. Thomas. McCarty. Cullen."

"Yes?"

"RUN!"


End file.
